Melanie, I'm also doing a take on Alice! I absolutely love yours though, honestly even more than mine!! This is such a unique way to take this story, especially with the dreamlike qualities that are present in her story. The way you made the introduction is really great because of the laying out of the rules. It puts the reader into the mindset of thinking critically about whether or not Alice's adventures really were dream or reality! Also, I seriously love your picture on the front page of your site. It's really beautiful and connects well with the idea of the Story Book. One thing I would say, and this is because someone told me this, is maybe look through the Google Sites themes collection. Especially since I'm seeing this beautiful background now on your blog, it might be something to check out. Other than that, just some simple grammar clean up will make this incredible!
Hi Melanie! First of all, I really like the layout and design of your website. The color scheme is beautiful and the picture goes really well with the overall theme and title of your Storybook. Now onto your introduction: the first thing I noticed is that the first sentence in your indtorctution is a question so it needs to have a question mark at the end instead of a sentence! Just a little quick grammatical fix. In the second paragraph it should read, “too excited” not “to excited.” Another quick fix! In the very last paragraph, the first sentence is a little confusing so I would try to rephrase it. Lastly, change “your paying attention” to “you’re paying attention.” Overall, it is a really interesting concept and the story really caught my attention so that I am excited to read on. There are just a few small grammatical fixes that need to be made and then you should be good to go! Great job!
I have to say I was so excited to read your piece as Alice was my favorite childhood character (I still read Through the Looking Glass to this day)! Your introduction itself was a breath of fresh air to read. It was fast paced, fun and opened up a rabbit's hole of its own in terms of possibilities. By flipping the idea what is dream and what is reality, the twists and turns this story could have expands greatly!
Overall, the concept is a great idea, especially the listing of the rules. Explaining them in the introduction allows the reader to be able to enjoy the actual story more without pause to wonder if the situation makes sense or not. One piece of advice I would give you would be to proofread your introduction thoroughly once more, I saw just a couple typos that would be quick fixes! Otherwise, I cannot wait to see Alice redefine reality in your storybook!
Wow, this storybook looks so interesting…I think it is my favorite I have seen so far. This idea of not knowing which is reality and which is a dream is so clever and will make for such interesting stories. I like that you call the other realm “Underland” instead of “Wonderland,” which is what I have always referred to it as. This adds a little uniqueness and individuality to your stories. I also liked the pictures you added because they cause the look of your storybook to pull together. I like that you didn’t just write a bunch of paragraphs; you added in a rules element which was formatted differently than just a paragraph. This makes it interactive and fun to the reader because they feel like they are participating in the stories, rather than simply reading them. I would make sure to re-read and double check for editing errors. One I can point out is in the second to last sentence “your” should be changed to “you’re”. Awesome introduction, I look forward to reading more!
I really like the theme of your storybook! I think that it will be interesting to read and I'm excited to see how you write these stories. I like how you set up your site! The background is very tranquil, like a dream would be and the images you choose really look like something someone would dream. It's also very organized, so its easy to tell what is the introduction and what is the cover page. As for your introduction it was very clear and concise on what to expect while reading the stories which I really liked. It laid out all the rules so there would be no surprises. The only think I really noticed was your punctuation. In the first paragraph, a couple of sentences are phrased as a question but they have periods at the end of the sentence instead of a question mark. Its the last two sentences! Other than that, I think you did an excellent job writing the introduction and I can't wait to read your first story!
I like your idea of turning the looking glass around in Alice in Wonderland. It's a good idea because it's a twist on a story the reader is very likely familiar with, so you don't have to explain things to them. I also like how you laid out the 10 "Rules of the Dream". I see a lot of potential to reward attentive readers, especially with rules like "Pay attention to detail". I also feel that rules like "There are several entryways to other dreams, Be aware of which one you go through" and "Don't lose grasp of what is real and what is make believe" are great little pieces of foreshadowing. It creates a sense of mystery and curiosity in the reader.
Thanks so much for sharing, I really enjoyed reading your storybook. You have a great idea, good luck with finishing the rest of your storybook.
The line between reality and imagination is a fascinating topic. For me, the topic is confusing already because it is difficult for my head to wrap around topics like this. I am interested to read more about what you will come up with. In the introduction, the addition of rules of the dream is helpful and it makes sense. You did a great job in creating them, because although some of the rules are common sense, it is sometimes forgotten.
For Begin the Adventure, you did a good job in describing the setting in the beginning. I can see that Dinah was attached to Alice, and Alice can be perceived as a curious child. I was amazed how Alice and her mother were not freaked out by a blue caterpillar. While reading, it made me anticipate when the imagination part will arrive.
I wonder why there were three different tea sets when the mother already knew that Mrs. Bandersnatch was sick and not coming. I suppose a new character will be introduced later on, or Dinah will have tea with Alice and her mother. Aside from this, there were a few grammar mistakes. If you add more to the story and work on those mistakes, it will be great.
The image you chose for your home page is perfect! It works so well with my idea of Alice. All of your images work really well with your theme and colors. The soft colors add to the dynamic of the site and how the reader adds to the story outside of the words of it.
In the first sentence you wrote “where” instead of “were”. Wow! I love the idea of “rules of a dream”. It reminds me of lucid dreaming where you can control your dreams. I like how there are boundaries you’ve set for the reader. I haven’t seen anything like it!
I think you could work with the layout at the bottom of your introduction. The way it wraps the image makes it harder to read. I think you also forgot a period at the end of the sentence that is next to the photo.
I like your story so far. I think you could add to it though. It seems like it was cut off almost. Unless that is what you are going for? It is hard to tell with only one story. Otherwise, I enjoyed reading all of your descriptions. It makes it easy to picture what is going on in the story. Keep up the good work!
Your take on Alice is extremely intriguing and I think our introduction is set up so nicely. I love the fine line between reality and make believe. I did find the rules to be a lot but overall thought they were fun and really added to the set up of the story. Your blog coloring and pictures are great. They really introduce and go along with your story. I did notice there was some grammar that needed to be cleaned up but over all the dialogue is very fun. The conversation between Alice and her mother flows very nicely. I cannot wait to see what happens to Alice when she delivers the basket. I do wish there had been a little more set up in the first story because I am anxious to find out what happens. I think a little more detail in the first story set up could go a long way but really your story is wonderful and I loved it.
First of all I really like the topic you picked for your storybook, I actually really like Alice and Wonderland and already like the twist you have put on the story. The pictures you picked for your introduction page go very well with your theme, I especially liked the lucid dreaming one. I really enjoyed how you put the rules of dreaming and how to understand if youre in the dream or reality. Your page as a whole made me think about the movie Inception, which i'm sure you did on purpose. But I really liked how you made a comparison between the two. Im really looking forward to reading more about Alice's adventures and her change between her dreams and reality!
Your website looks great! The colors, layout, and images that you have chosen definitely compliment your stories.
In your introduction, I am immediately excited to read about Alice! Alice is such a fun and familiar character that you can easily manipulate to create something new and fun. Your 'rules' section is really creative, too! It reminds me of 'Inception'.
When I started reading this story, I found out that you've actually made links to different stories! How clever! I used to love reading story books like this when I was younger. I decided to 'Follow the White Rabbit', and I was transported to another page. This is a super unique storybook project that I will definitely want to keep up with! I can't wait until all the options are published- I'm excited to see what my outcome will be!
First off, I love the graphics you choose for your story! I think they are a great illustration and they add a lot of imagery to your words! While reading your story it felt like I was playing a game! I think that this is a fun and engaging way to structure your story and keep your readers interested. A wow moment for me was that you gave the reader choices to choose from! This has to be one of the most interactive stories I have read. I like the fact that I get to customize what I read according to what answer I choose! I know your other stories are still in development, but when writing them I think that you should use the same dialogue format that you used for the first story! I think it provided just enough dialogue to stay interested without overpowering the story! Great story! I can’t wait to see what choices you will come up with!!
First off, I love the “Rules of the Dream” section. It gives off a cool, Matrix-meets-Inception vibe, and the list format immediately made me pay more attention. It feels almost like a video game, and definitely had me eager to read the first story. I really appreciate the pictures you use, too. Deciding not to use the classic Alice illustrations automatically sets your storybook apart from other ones inspired by Wonderland, and helps set the mood.
Also, now that I’ve read your first story and see what you’re doing, I’m insanely excited to come back and read further developments. It’s such a great way to freshen up the old story most people know so well, and fits perfectly with the random, disjointed nature of Alice’s story.
As far as constructive criticism goes, the sentence that begins with “But what if her reality was really...” in the first paragraph of the introduction is pretty confusing. The sentence immediately after it clears it up some, but you still might want to consider rewording it for the sake of clarity. Beyond that, there are some typos throughout, so you might want to go through and edit again.
Like I said, I can’t wait to see what you do with this. I always loved the idea of “Choose Your Own Adventure” novels, but actually flipping back and forth between the passages was a pain, and this is a great improvement on that.
I am in love with your story concept. The use of the interactive, choose your own adventure method is awesome. You do such a great job with this and I really look forward to reading all of your story and getting to pick where I want Alice to go in the adventure. Really, really well done. I think are just a few things that need to be proofread and sewn up. Nothing major though, really just some fine tuning. I greatly enjoy how descriptive your story is and how I can really picture Alice and her mother with the tea sets and getting ready to take the basket to the sick woman. You made it very easy to picture Alice absent mindedly playing with Dinah instead of listening to her mother. I do wish the white rabbit had had a bit more description to his character. Is he carrying a big watch as well? Does he appear to be in a great hurry? Overall, your story is really great and I cannot wait to read the rest.
Your story is very cute and I love the choose your adventure aspect to it. I always found the disney movie alice in wonderland to be really creepy so I'd love to see if you either up that vibe or take it a different route. Your story has an awful lot of typos though. A lot of them were made by not using the past tense correctly. A couple others were just very awkwardly worded phrases. For example, "Before Alice knew it Dinah ran after the Rabbit" sounds much better if you say "Before Alice knew it, Dinah (had run) after the Rabbit." Correct grammar like that just helps the story to flow better. I am also a little disappointed that I'm seeing the story so early cause I'd really like to come back to it once you're done and I can read the whole thing through like you're supposed to read a choose your story book. Be careful with the editing and I think this will turn out just great!
Hey, Melanie! I liked your beginning so much, I had to come back to read more! I started over, to remind myself of all the details that you included into your story to make sure I get the full effect!
I decided to Follow the White Rabbit because I didn't want to play it safe here- I had to know where he was going! Then, of course I wanted to follow him down the rabbit hole, but unfortunately the story is still under development, so I'll have to come check it out in a few weeks when youre further along! This whole concept and these stories really get my imagination flowing- how much of this story will be familiar with me, and how much will be new? Will the same characters make an appearance? If I was in Alice's shoes, would I have made the same decisions- and therefore faced the same consequences? I'm really excited to see where this story goes!
Melanie, the way you set up this story book was absolutely amazing. This has to be one of the most creative storybooks I have read even when I took Epics of India last year. The intricate structure of the storyline was well done. By the way, in the introduction, I like how your links for the pictures told a little bit more about lucid dreaming. I for one am someone who is extremely interested in lucid dreams and tried to do a dream journal so those links were interesting. I love how you have it set up as choose your own adventure. The only things I wish was that each time you choose and adventure it seems like the story is somewhat short. I'm sure you would have a difficult time lengthening them but I am so enthralled by the story that I personally wouldn't mind reading little bit more. It was cool that you established those basic rules of dreams in the introduction because it makes the reader slow down and actually READ the story since they don't want to miss any details. You obviously put a lot of time into constructing this storybook and your effort has really paid off!
Wow! When I first starting reading your introduction, I did not expect it to take such a turn! Rules for waking up from a dream? What a cool idea. It reminds of me that movie Inception, but not as needlessly confusing, hehe. Your storybook just gets better and better as I continue to explore it! How did you like doing a choose your own adventure story? It's such an awesome idea, but seems like so much work. I've been dying to see one, so I'm glad I found your page. You did an amazing job, and your theme really suits this style. The images you chose are perfect as well. I can't wait to come back and see what you add to this. All your stories about Alice's journey so far were simple yet fun, and kept me on the edge of my seat. I tried every possibility, and all of them were brilliant. Bravo!
I first clicked on your story because who doesn’t love Alice in Wonderland?! But I am literally blown away by your project. This is incredible! When I first read your introduction, I kind of got an Inception vibe, if that makes sense. There are lots of rules and differences in the dreams versus reality. It made for a really interesting read! So when I clicked on your first story, where Alice is sitting with Dinah, I was really intrigued! I am sure you have gotten a lot of comments about choosing your own path. I am so impressed! I went through and read all of them because I thought the idea was so creative. Amazing job! I am really excited for you to fill in the couple that are not finished yet. I will definitely come back and check your project towards the end of the semester. I can’t wait to see what else you come up with for the rabbit hole!
I just have to start by saying the image on your opening page is stunning. That alone is enough to make me want to read your storybook, so great job at grabbing the reader's attention!!!
Your introduction was great as well. Your writing is very good and doesn't need images to help grab attention. I read your introduction to your blog and saw that you like the movie Inception and that is very apparent in your introduction. It is very twisty and intriguing and you did a good job of making it understandable as well as mysterious. I thought it was the perfect way to introduce your storybook.
Your story is freaking awesome! Wow. I love that it is seemingly interactive! In every stage of the different stories you do a great job of giving good imagery and keeping the readers engaged. Your story is so intriguing and has me constantly wondering what is going to happen next. I seriously can't wait to read the next installments. This is great!
Your storybook is amazing! I had so much fun reading it and it’s something I haven’t seen before. There are other storybooks about Alice but your take on it is really interesting. Your introduction was great and kept me wondering how this was going to go. I like how you added the “Rules of the Dream” portion as well. As the adventure began, I LOVED how you gave the readers two options at the end, which lead to different situations. That is so creative and I would have never thought of that idea! Your writing is excellent as well. I wonder if at the end of this story it will all connect to one ending or they both will have different endings. Overall, your storybook is great and I can’t wait to see what happens next.
Uh! I love your descriptions and how fluidly you paint the story in my head. I’m glad I get to read more of your stories. I really enjoy reading from the first person. It makes stories seem so real in comparison. You do a really great job jumping into the head of the main character and telling a story that seems like it could be pulled right out of this girl’s head. WOW that is so creative to let the reader take control and choose the direction that they want to take the story in. And it keeps going!!! I absolutely love that idea. How creative. When I first looked at your navigation on the side I was confused because I knew I already read at least part of that first story but I love how you made the stories inside the stories. I wish I was that creative! I also like how the extra parts to the story aren’t very long. It keeps me on the edge of my seat. It also makes me curious about how the other choices pan out. Really REALLY great job with this. Good luck with the rest of your semester and Happy Thanksgiving!
When reading you story book I knew it was going to be an Alice in Wonderland story. It really caught me by surprise, however, when I got to the bottom of the first page and we got to choose what Alice did after seeing the white rabbit. I didn’t know which path to take and it was defiantly a difficult decision. I love that you were so creative with your story book though! It is very different than any storybook that I have read. I love that I get to choose the path of the story. It makes you feel like you are actually a part of the story! I can’t wait to go through the story and read the different versions! It is so much fun. You did a great job on writing this story. You are very creative and I can’t wait to come back and see what else has been added to your storybook.
This was very well done! I haven’t seen any other stories with this format, so I really enjoyed this change. It’s so creative! I think that with this particular style, the way that you directly address your readers is very effective, making it very clear that we’re active participants. I also really enjoyed how you were incorporating different moments from the original into your setup (Mrs. Bandersnatch? She sounds no good. Also, the details about the blue caterpillar were great.) I also absolutely love your choices of images, especially the ones of trees or scenes in the woods. I’m intrigued about what might happen next, and how it will fit in with the rules about dreaming that you’ve devised. I hope that I get to find out! I am a little bit confused as to how the rules work, though… Are we basically supposed to pick an adventure then figure out if it was a dream or not? A little bit of clarification on that in the instructions might be helpful. Overall, wonderful job!
I love reading the differences between your storybook and Kimberely’s, since they’re both about Alice in Wonderland! I think it is so cool that you guys both put such different twists on the stories. Yours is so different from everyone else in the class, I love it. I think it was an amazing idea to let the reader choose their own path! There are so many different endings to your storybook, so great. Your reading is really easy to follow and sets up the scene very well. It kept me interested the whole time, and I love that it was so lighthearted (compared to like 99% of the stories in this class haha). Great job this semester and with your storybook! Hope you have a terrific winter break!
Melanie, I'm also doing a take on Alice! I absolutely love yours though, honestly even more than mine!! This is such a unique way to take this story, especially with the dreamlike qualities that are present in her story. The way you made the introduction is really great because of the laying out of the rules. It puts the reader into the mindset of thinking critically about whether or not Alice's adventures really were dream or reality! Also, I seriously love your picture on the front page of your site. It's really beautiful and connects well with the idea of the Story Book. One thing I would say, and this is because someone told me this, is maybe look through the Google Sites themes collection. Especially since I'm seeing this beautiful background now on your blog, it might be something to check out. Other than that, just some simple grammar clean up will make this incredible!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! What would you suggest changing according to the theme?
DeleteHi Melanie! First of all, I really like the layout and design of your website. The color scheme is beautiful and the picture goes really well with the overall theme and title of your Storybook. Now onto your introduction: the first thing I noticed is that the first sentence in your indtorctution is a question so it needs to have a question mark at the end instead of a sentence! Just a little quick grammatical fix. In the second paragraph it should read, “too excited” not “to excited.” Another quick fix! In the very last paragraph, the first sentence is a little confusing so I would try to rephrase it. Lastly, change “your paying attention” to “you’re paying attention.” Overall, it is a really interesting concept and the story really caught my attention so that I am excited to read on. There are just a few small grammatical fixes that need to be made and then you should be good to go! Great job!
ReplyDeleteHi Melanie,
ReplyDeleteI have to say I was so excited to read your piece as Alice was my favorite childhood character (I still read Through the Looking Glass to this day)! Your introduction itself was a breath of fresh air to read. It was fast paced, fun and opened up a rabbit's hole of its own in terms of possibilities. By flipping the idea what is dream and what is reality, the twists and turns this story could have expands greatly!
Overall, the concept is a great idea, especially the listing of the rules. Explaining them in the introduction allows the reader to be able to enjoy the actual story more without pause to wonder if the situation makes sense or not. One piece of advice I would give you would be to proofread your introduction thoroughly once more, I saw just a couple typos that would be quick fixes! Otherwise, I cannot wait to see Alice redefine reality in your storybook!
Belle
Wow, this storybook looks so interesting…I think it is my favorite I have seen so far. This idea of not knowing which is reality and which is a dream is so clever and will make for such interesting stories. I like that you call the other realm “Underland” instead of “Wonderland,” which is what I have always referred to it as. This adds a little uniqueness and individuality to your stories. I also liked the pictures you added because they cause the look of your storybook to pull together. I like that you didn’t just write a bunch of paragraphs; you added in a rules element which was formatted differently than just a paragraph. This makes it interactive and fun to the reader because they feel like they are participating in the stories, rather than simply reading them. I would make sure to re-read and double check for editing errors. One I can point out is in the second to last sentence “your” should be changed to “you’re”. Awesome introduction, I look forward to reading more!
ReplyDeleteHi Melanie,
ReplyDeleteI really like the theme of your storybook! I think that it will be interesting to read and I'm excited to see how you write these stories. I like how you set up your site! The background is very tranquil, like a dream would be and the images you choose really look like something someone would dream. It's also very organized, so its easy to tell what is the introduction and what is the cover page. As for your introduction it was very clear and concise on what to expect while reading the stories which I really liked. It laid out all the rules so there would be no surprises. The only think I really noticed was your punctuation. In the first paragraph, a couple of sentences are phrased as a question but they have periods at the end of the sentence instead of a question mark. Its the last two sentences! Other than that, I think you did an excellent job writing the introduction and I can't wait to read your first story!
Bailey
Melanie,
ReplyDeleteI like your idea of turning the looking glass around in Alice in Wonderland. It's a good idea because it's a twist on a story the reader is very likely familiar with, so you don't have to explain things to them. I also like how you laid out the 10 "Rules of the Dream". I see a lot of potential to reward attentive readers, especially with rules like "Pay attention to detail". I also feel that rules like "There are several entryways to other dreams, Be aware of which one you go through" and "Don't lose grasp of what is real and what is make believe" are great little pieces of foreshadowing. It creates a sense of mystery and curiosity in the reader.
Thanks so much for sharing, I really enjoyed reading your storybook. You have a great idea, good luck with finishing the rest of your storybook.
Andrew Wright
The line between reality and imagination is a fascinating topic. For me, the topic is confusing already because it is difficult for my head to wrap around topics like this. I am interested to read more about what you will come up with. In the introduction, the addition of rules of the dream is helpful and it makes sense. You did a great job in creating them, because although some of the rules are common sense, it is sometimes forgotten.
ReplyDeleteFor Begin the Adventure, you did a good job in describing the setting in the beginning. I can see that Dinah was attached to Alice, and Alice can be perceived as a curious child. I was amazed how Alice and her mother were not freaked out by a blue caterpillar. While reading, it made me anticipate when the imagination part will arrive.
I wonder why there were three different tea sets when the mother already knew that Mrs. Bandersnatch was sick and not coming. I suppose a new character will be introduced later on, or Dinah will have tea with Alice and her mother. Aside from this, there were a few grammar mistakes. If you add more to the story and work on those mistakes, it will be great.
The image you chose for your home page is perfect! It works so well with my idea of Alice. All of your images work really well with your theme and colors. The soft colors add to the dynamic of the site and how the reader adds to the story outside of the words of it.
ReplyDeleteIn the first sentence you wrote “where” instead of “were”. Wow! I love the idea of “rules of a dream”. It reminds me of lucid dreaming where you can control your dreams. I like how there are boundaries you’ve set for the reader. I haven’t seen anything like it!
I think you could work with the layout at the bottom of your introduction. The way it wraps the image makes it harder to read. I think you also forgot a period at the end of the sentence that is next to the photo.
I like your story so far. I think you could add to it though. It seems like it was cut off almost. Unless that is what you are going for? It is hard to tell with only one story. Otherwise, I enjoyed reading all of your descriptions. It makes it easy to picture what is going on in the story. Keep up the good work!
Your take on Alice is extremely intriguing and I think our introduction is set up so nicely. I love the fine line between reality and make believe. I did find the rules to be a lot but overall thought they were fun and really added to the set up of the story. Your blog coloring and pictures are great. They really introduce and go along with your story. I did notice there was some grammar that needed to be cleaned up but over all the dialogue is very fun. The conversation between Alice and her mother flows very nicely.
ReplyDeleteI cannot wait to see what happens to Alice when she delivers the basket. I do wish there had been a little more set up in the first story because I am anxious to find out what happens. I think a little more detail in the first story set up could go a long way but really your story is wonderful and I loved it.
Hey Melanie!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all I really like the topic you picked for your storybook, I actually really like Alice and Wonderland and already like the twist you have put on the story. The pictures you picked for your introduction page go very well with your theme, I especially liked the lucid dreaming one. I really enjoyed how you put the rules of dreaming and how to understand if youre in the dream or reality. Your page as a whole made me think about the movie Inception, which i'm sure you did on purpose. But I really liked how you made a comparison between the two. Im really looking forward to reading more about Alice's adventures and her change between her dreams and reality!
Hey, Melanie!
ReplyDeleteYour website looks great! The colors, layout, and images that you have chosen definitely compliment your stories.
In your introduction, I am immediately excited to read about Alice! Alice is such a fun and familiar character that you can easily manipulate to create something new and fun. Your 'rules' section is really creative, too! It reminds me of 'Inception'.
When I started reading this story, I found out that you've actually made links to different stories! How clever! I used to love reading story books like this when I was younger. I decided to 'Follow the White Rabbit', and I was transported to another page. This is a super unique storybook project that I will definitely want to keep up with! I can't wait until all the options are published- I'm excited to see what my outcome will be!
Great job
Emily
First off, I love the graphics you choose for your story! I think they are a great illustration and they add a lot of imagery to your words! While reading your story it felt like I was playing a game! I think that this is a fun and engaging way to structure your story and keep your readers interested. A wow moment for me was that you gave the reader choices to choose from! This has to be one of the most interactive stories I have read. I like the fact that I get to customize what I read according to what answer I choose! I know your other stories are still in development, but when writing them I think that you should use the same dialogue format that you used for the first story! I think it provided just enough dialogue to stay interested without overpowering the story! Great story! I can’t wait to see what choices you will come up with!!
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I love the “Rules of the Dream” section. It gives off a cool, Matrix-meets-Inception vibe, and the list format immediately made me pay more attention. It feels almost like a video game, and definitely had me eager to read the first story. I really appreciate the pictures you use, too. Deciding not to use the classic Alice illustrations automatically sets your storybook apart from other ones inspired by Wonderland, and helps set the mood.
ReplyDeleteAlso, now that I’ve read your first story and see what you’re doing, I’m insanely excited to come back and read further developments. It’s such a great way to freshen up the old story most people know so well, and fits perfectly with the random, disjointed nature of Alice’s story.
As far as constructive criticism goes, the sentence that begins with “But what if her reality was really...” in the first paragraph of the introduction is pretty confusing. The sentence immediately after it clears it up some, but you still might want to consider rewording it for the sake of clarity. Beyond that, there are some typos throughout, so you might want to go through and edit again.
Like I said, I can’t wait to see what you do with this. I always loved the idea of “Choose Your Own Adventure” novels, but actually flipping back and forth between the passages was a pain, and this is a great improvement on that.
I am in love with your story concept. The use of the interactive, choose your own adventure method is awesome. You do such a great job with this and I really look forward to reading all of your story and getting to pick where I want Alice to go in the adventure. Really, really well done.
ReplyDeleteI think are just a few things that need to be proofread and sewn up. Nothing major though, really just some fine tuning.
I greatly enjoy how descriptive your story is and how I can really picture Alice and her mother with the tea sets and getting ready to take the basket to the sick woman. You made it very easy to picture Alice absent mindedly playing with Dinah instead of listening to her mother.
I do wish the white rabbit had had a bit more description to his character. Is he carrying a big watch as well? Does he appear to be in a great hurry?
Overall, your story is really great and I cannot wait to read the rest.
Your story is very cute and I love the choose your adventure aspect to it. I always found the disney movie alice in wonderland to be really creepy so I'd love to see if you either up that vibe or take it a different route.
ReplyDeleteYour story has an awful lot of typos though. A lot of them were made by not using the past tense correctly. A couple others were just very awkwardly worded phrases. For example, "Before Alice knew it Dinah ran after the Rabbit" sounds much better if you say "Before Alice knew it, Dinah (had run) after the Rabbit." Correct grammar like that just helps the story to flow better. I am also a little disappointed that I'm seeing the story so early cause I'd really like to come back to it once you're done and I can read the whole thing through like you're supposed to read a choose your story book. Be careful with the editing and I think this will turn out just great!
Hey, Melanie!
ReplyDeleteI liked your beginning so much, I had to come back to read more! I started over, to remind myself of all the details that you included into your story to make sure I get the full effect!
I decided to Follow the White Rabbit because I didn't want to play it safe here- I had to know where he was going!
Then, of course I wanted to follow him down the rabbit hole, but unfortunately the story is still under development, so I'll have to come check it out in a few weeks when youre further along! This whole concept and these stories really get my imagination flowing- how much of this story will be familiar with me, and how much will be new? Will the same characters make an appearance? If I was in Alice's shoes, would I have made the same decisions- and therefore faced the same consequences? I'm really excited to see where this story goes!
Great job!!
Emily
Melanie, the way you set up this story book was absolutely amazing. This has to be one of the most creative storybooks I have read even when I took Epics of India last year. The intricate structure of the storyline was well done. By the way, in the introduction, I like how your links for the pictures told a little bit more about lucid dreaming. I for one am someone who is extremely interested in lucid dreams and tried to do a dream journal so those links were interesting. I love how you have it set up as choose your own adventure. The only things I wish was that each time you choose and adventure it seems like the story is somewhat short. I'm sure you would have a difficult time lengthening them but I am so enthralled by the story that I personally wouldn't mind reading little bit more. It was cool that you established those basic rules of dreams in the introduction because it makes the reader slow down and actually READ the story since they don't want to miss any details. You obviously put a lot of time into constructing this storybook and your effort has really paid off!
ReplyDeleteMelanie,
ReplyDeleteWow! When I first starting reading your introduction, I did not expect it to take such a turn! Rules for waking up from a dream? What a cool idea. It reminds of me that movie Inception, but not as needlessly confusing, hehe.
Your storybook just gets better and better as I continue to explore it! How did you like doing a choose your own adventure story? It's such an awesome idea, but seems like so much work. I've been dying to see one, so I'm glad I found your page. You did an amazing job, and your theme really suits this style. The images you chose are perfect as well. I can't wait to come back and see what you add to this.
All your stories about Alice's journey so far were simple yet fun, and kept me on the edge of my seat. I tried every possibility, and all of them were brilliant. Bravo!
Hi, Melanie!
ReplyDeleteI first clicked on your story because who doesn’t love Alice in Wonderland?! But I am literally blown away by your project. This is incredible! When I first read your introduction, I kind of got an Inception vibe, if that makes sense. There are lots of rules and differences in the dreams versus reality. It made for a really interesting read! So when I clicked on your first story, where Alice is sitting with Dinah, I was really intrigued! I am sure you have gotten a lot of comments about choosing your own path. I am so impressed! I went through and read all of them because I thought the idea was so creative. Amazing job! I am really excited for you to fill in the couple that are not finished yet. I will definitely come back and check your project towards the end of the semester. I can’t wait to see what else you come up with for the rabbit hole!
I just have to start by saying the image on your opening page is stunning. That alone is enough to make me want to read your storybook, so great job at grabbing the reader's attention!!!
ReplyDeleteYour introduction was great as well. Your writing is very good and doesn't need images to help grab attention. I read your introduction to your blog and saw that you like the movie Inception and that is very apparent in your introduction. It is very twisty and intriguing and you did a good job of making it understandable as well as mysterious. I thought it was the perfect way to introduce your storybook.
Your story is freaking awesome! Wow. I love that it is seemingly interactive! In every stage of the different stories you do a great job of giving good imagery and keeping the readers engaged. Your story is so intriguing and has me constantly wondering what is going to happen next. I seriously can't wait to read the next installments. This is great!
Your storybook is amazing! I had so much fun reading it and it’s something I haven’t seen before. There are other storybooks about Alice but your take on it is really interesting. Your introduction was great and kept me wondering how this was going to go. I like how you added the “Rules of the Dream” portion as well. As the adventure began, I LOVED how you gave the readers two options at the end, which lead to different situations. That is so creative and I would have never thought of that idea! Your writing is excellent as well. I wonder if at the end of this story it will all connect to one ending or they both will have different endings. Overall, your storybook is great and I can’t wait to see what happens next.
ReplyDeleteUh! I love your descriptions and how fluidly you paint the story in my head. I’m glad I get to read more of your stories. I really enjoy reading from the first person. It makes stories seem so real in comparison. You do a really great job jumping into the head of the main character and telling a story that seems like it could be pulled right out of this girl’s head. WOW that is so creative to let the reader take control and choose the direction that they want to take the story in. And it keeps going!!! I absolutely love that idea. How creative. When I first looked at your navigation on the side I was confused because I knew I already read at least part of that first story but I love how you made the stories inside the stories. I wish I was that creative! I also like how the extra parts to the story aren’t very long. It keeps me on the edge of my seat. It also makes me curious about how the other choices pan out. Really REALLY great job with this. Good luck with the rest of your semester and Happy Thanksgiving!
ReplyDeleteWhen reading you story book I knew it was going to be an Alice in Wonderland story. It really caught me by surprise, however, when I got to the bottom of the first page and we got to choose what Alice did after seeing the white rabbit. I didn’t know which path to take and it was defiantly a difficult decision. I love that you were so creative with your story book though! It is very different than any storybook that I have read. I love that I get to choose the path of the story. It makes you feel like you are actually a part of the story! I can’t wait to go through the story and read the different versions! It is so much fun. You did a great job on writing this story. You are very creative and I can’t wait to come back and see what else has been added to your storybook.
ReplyDeleteThis was very well done! I haven’t seen any other stories with this format, so I really enjoyed this change. It’s so creative! I think that with this particular style, the way that you directly address your readers is very effective, making it very clear that we’re active participants. I also really enjoyed how you were incorporating different moments from the original into your setup (Mrs. Bandersnatch? She sounds no good. Also, the details about the blue caterpillar were great.) I also absolutely love your choices of images, especially the ones of trees or scenes in the woods. I’m intrigued about what might happen next, and how it will fit in with the rules about dreaming that you’ve devised. I hope that I get to find out! I am a little bit confused as to how the rules work, though… Are we basically supposed to pick an adventure then figure out if it was a dream or not? A little bit of clarification on that in the instructions might be helpful. Overall, wonderful job!
ReplyDeleteHi Melanie!
ReplyDeleteI love reading the differences between your storybook and Kimberely’s, since they’re both about Alice in Wonderland! I think it is so cool that you guys both put such different twists on the stories. Yours is so different from everyone else in the class, I love it. I think it was an amazing idea to let the reader choose their own path! There are so many different endings to your storybook, so great. Your reading is really easy to follow and sets up the scene very well. It kept me interested the whole time, and I love that it was so lighthearted (compared to like 99% of the stories in this class haha). Great job this semester and with your storybook! Hope you have a terrific winter break!